Hello friends!
I’m sorry for not uploading or anything recently. Life has been crazy at home and at school, but things have slowed down and hopefully I can be more consistent whether it’s filming with an actual camera or my phone! I hope you guys enjoy the new update!
Lots of love and Hugs,
Becky Espinoza
In my last post, I mentioned a guy named Jake. I go to church with him at Eastside, and I mainly see him on Wednesday nights when we have young adults called Ethos. I have been attending Eastside since September, and In the middle of March is when I’ve finally had the chance to have a conversation with him.
Prior to this actual conversation, the most we ever said to each other was probably, “Hey, what’s up?” To be quite honest, I didn’t really think we would ever really talk other than the occasional “hello,” but that definitely changed on Friday afternoon.
Every Friday, I attend the high school leader meeting, but no one informed me that this particular meeting was cancelled. So I show up, and they tell me that I didn’t have to be there. What did I decide to do? I stayed. I did not want to sit in traffic for a hour/hour and a half. I started to take care of some stuff for school, when I found myself procrastinating and saying hello to Charles and Jake.
Charles invited me to hang out with them and help out with some stuff, and I agreed because I really did not want to do any financial aid work. After helping out Charles with a fun reading task, he stepped away leaving Jake and me in the cubicle.
I began to read Lead Small (great book for small group leaders!) when Jake made a comment about my writing. I didn’t hear him though, and I’m sure he thought that I was a smidge rude, but that was the beginning of the conversation.
We began to talk about the guy issues in my life. Well, not so much issues, but the lack of insight that I have with the male gender. Jake began to share some of his experiences with girls, and I thoroughly appreciated it.
While he gave me super rad advice about giving a certain guy a chance, I began to think about how often I don’t really give guys romantic chances even though I trust people the moment I meet them.
I have been burned by guys a handful of times, and I guess I just don’t really see guys as “dates” until I’m sure that they see me that way too. There isn’t necessarily wrong with that, but I could also be missing out on a great guy too. Jake showed me that.
“[A guy] can do everything he can to ‘woo’ you, but you are a strong, level-headed girl.”
That has to be one of the nicest things someone that I never really talked to has said to me.
I took Jake’s advice about giving that guy a chance, only to learn that I wasn’t as important to him as either of us thought. But even in being blown off, I found encouragement in Jake’s words, and I hope that this will be the beginning of a fun friendship!
Lots of love & hugs,
Becky
My church (Eastside Christian Church) and I have been going through this series called Freeway. It’s all about finding the “free way” through Christ. It’s about being honest with God, others, and more importantly, yourself.
So far, the topics that have been covered have been:
– Knowing the One who grants freedom
– Awareness
– Discovery
– Ownership
– Forgiveness
The topic that has struck me has been the topic of ownership. How does ownership grant you freedom? Are they even connected? Why yes, yes they are.
Ownership is connected to freedom by how we react and own up to our choices. An example in my life where I have lacked ownership has been when I lost one of my closest friends a year and a half ago. I blamed it God, and I mistreated the relationships I had/have and jumped into a romantic relationship before being ready. If I had taken ownership of the pain I felt from losing a friend, I probably wouldn’t be trying to mend a broken heart from a broken relationship that I allowed to compromise some of my morals.
In recent pop culture news, Shia LaBeouf opened up to Interview Magazine and stated that he found God while working on his recent film Fury. I read the interview, and let me tell you, I want to meet Shia even more now (I had a HUGE crush on him when he was on Even Stevens!). At the end of the interview, Shia says:
I’ve been a runner my whole life, running from myself. Whether to movies or drinking and drugging or fu**ing calamity or whatever it is, I’ve always been running. I’m a dude who loves delusion. It’s why I love being an actor—I never have to actually look at myself or be faced with my sh** or take responsibility. So it’s been an eye-opening thing to have to look at myself, at my life, and have these reflective moments… I’ve been blessed with a sh** life.
What I absolutely love about this quote and article in general is the realness of it. I think often times as Christians in America we look at our lives and circumstances and ask God “why?.” I know I do this, probably on the daily.
Shia’s interview shows revelations from his time as being a Christian that has taken me years to even grasp. He [now] takes ownership of the circumstances that he has been through, even if they weren’t his fault. He has had to take responsibility for his life.
As someone who has grown up in the church, I haven’t taken responsibility when I should have all along. So what if Shia throws out expletives ever so often, as a young-ish Christian, he is more mature than I am.
Shia has been a great example in realizing that I need to take responsibility of my life and the choices I make. My encouragement to you is to take a step back and look at your life. Maybe you’ll see that you already take responsibility for your life, or you need to make some choices and take ownership of certain actions you may have done. I know that I need to do this.
Be blessed guys!
Lots of love & hugs,
Becky
P.S.
Sorry if this is all jumbled!
So this last week has been one heck of a roller coaster for me. Things with Taylor are completely over now. He started seeing one of my friends, and neither of them told me. Let the feelings of betrayal ensue. I also got some medical test results back, and they were abnormal, so now I have to go back to the doctor to see what can be done and see what is going on in my body. Lastly, and the best part of my week was being able to see my “older brother” get married.
At the wedding, I was so happy to see Matt get married! They are so happy and perfect for each other! God truly brought them together, and everyone sees it. With all the wedding bliss in the air, I got to slightly catch up with Matt’s best man, Dakota.
I got the chance to meet Dakota the same year I met Matt (2010). He and I didn’t necessarily talk a whole lot, but he was definitely chill. I probably saw him two/three times after we met (not including the wedding), and when we saw each other, he didn’t necessarily remember me all to well.
I was able to do a toast to the bride and groom, and shortly after I ran into (not literally, thank goodness) Dakota. He hugged me like we were pretty close friends (heck, I wasn’t gonna fight it! I love hugs!). I found out that he was stationed at the Marine Base not too far from where I work. We have kind of made plans to hang out soon-ish, and I for one am excited for hang out times!
That night, I dreamt a pretty profound (I think so anyways) conversation that I had with Dakota. We were in a room talking, and he said that he wanted to remove some artwork from the wall. I pointed out that the paint can chip and what not. What Dakota said next was mind blowing to me.
“If it does chip, we can still work with it. It doesn’t mean that it’s not beautiful.”
I woke up astonished that I could dream something up like that. And it got me thinking. Having a broken heart, illness, bad day, whatever is like having a chip in the paint. It’s still fixable. It can be worked with/on. It does not ruin the whole.
Likewise, God uses the broken pieces and chips in our lives to make something crazy beautiful out of our lives, we just have to let Him do that. And this is something that I am going to try to do this week.
Lots of love & hugs,
Becky
Today I had the awesome opportunity to speak at a middle school girls’ Bible study at my old middle school. It was a bittersweet moment walking through the old hallways where I would hang out with my friends and talk about boys and school. The classroom where they hold these Bible studies are in my old history classroom. As the nostalgia was slowly fading, I remembered why I was there in the first place. I was going to be speaking to a room full of girls, and I was nervous as heck to say the least.
Don’t get me wrong, I love being able to reach out to students and show them God’s love, but when it comes to speaking, it’s my nightmare. But what is so scary about talking to middle school girls? It’s not like they’ll judge me on what I’m saying (how I look maybe a different story). The thing that scares me is that they are listening to me.
While their attention spans differ from each other, they will listen at different parts. They pick up on the odd things I say, my stutters, voice inflections, everything. I want to be a positive influence in their lives because this time in their lives is very crucial. They are finding out who they are and who they want to be. Their schemas are being solidified, and I hope that I can be a positive role in their lives.
My talk went well, and they want me back. These young girls were listening to every word I said. They listened intently, and they want me back. The dean of girls (she’s the one in charge) told me that she has trouble trying to get things accomplished with them, but that they were very in tune with what I was saying. That had to be God’s doing because I am way too awkward and weird to be listened to for 15 minutes.
As I was walking back to my car, I remembered what God wants me to do with my life. He wants me to reach out to young people and show them His love. I had forgotten what my purpose was, and what made me happy. I love being apart of students lives because not only am I able to love and bless them, but they’re reciprocating too. Whether you have forgotten what God has called you to do, or you’re too afraid to do it, God has a way of making it happen. When it does happen and you realize it, you’re going to be blessed, and it will be awesome!
Lots of love & hugs,
Becky
I was reading through the book of Ruth lately. I remember growing up and hearing how I need to be like Ruth and stick with my family through every situation, or how I need to be like a Proverbs 31 woman. These are some crazy hard things to accomplish at 22, let alone 12.
When crazy and troubling times when I should be Ruth-like, I’m Naomi. I’m the brooding mother-in-law who thinks God is totally against me (a tad overdramatic, but hey! Someone has to be, right?).
I’m currently going through those troubling times. The question is, where to begin? I can start with moving from Oregon back to California. For some people, this is no big deal. I mean, I’m back in Los Angeles, the City of Angels. But for someone who has autism, change is hard. I am having a hard time with the transition. My room doesn’t feel like my room, mornings aren’t filled with Dutch Bros., and I do not have very many friends.
Then there is everything going on with my uncle. He was hospitalized before I moved back to California, and he stayed in the hospital for a few weeks before being sent home for hospice care. Some family members are just waiting for him to die, while others are still hoping and praying for a miracle. I don’t know what to do.
Then there is everything with Taylor. I replay the last few days in my mind to see what happened. Did I do something wrong? While he claimed that I didn’t do anything wrong, I felt/feel like I’m getting punished for it anyways. I may have not done anything wrong, but dealing with this with so many questions makes it difficult to move on. I want to know what happened, but I won’t get answers if communication isn’t there.
So the last month and a half has been interesting (I can’t say horrible because I know that my problems aren’t as bad as others). I have asked God where He is. I have wondered why this has all happened. Why would the people/person I need most bail when things became hard in my life? Was my love not enough?
So while I may never get the answers to my unending list of questions, I can’t forget what happened to Naomi. While she felt like God was being terrible to her (and possibly feeling abandoned), God never left her side. He was working through Ruth to bless her. My Ruth may not be so clear to me right now, but I know that some day I will know.
If you are going through a hard time or know someone that is and you/they may be acting like Naomi, it’s okay. It’s okay because you/they have a Ruth in your/their lives. It may be hard to see now, but know that they’re there. And lastly, God is there by your/their side whether feelings of abandonment or like He is against you are present. He has always been faithful, so why wouldn’t He be faithful now?
I love you guys.
Lots of love & hugs,
Becky
So it’s been a long time since I last posted on here. Life has been pretty crazy to say the least. Here are some of the changes that have happened:
These are just some of the changes in my life. Some changes have been easier than others. Change can be pretty hard for me to deal with at times, and the two biggest changes for me have been moving and being single again.
I knew that at some point I was going to move. With moving comes saying goodbye to friends and the life you led in a particular place. Leaving Oregon was a bittersweet thing. I am so happy to be with my grandparents again and spending time with other family members that live here, but I said goodbye to some really good friends in Oregon.
Becoming single is a very touchy subject for me. Taylor and I had talked about getting married, and it seemed like everything would work out with us. Two and a half weeks before I moved, he decided that we should split up because he had things he had to work on. That was the last thing I wanted to do because I would have married him that very moment if he asked me to. He had a ring and knew exactly how he would have proposed to me. Now he and I are not speaking because it was too hard for him to be my friend. So now I don’t know where we stand. Are we still hoping to get back together? Are we completely over? Did he get rid of everything I gave back to him? Does he still use his lanyard and Mickey key cover? Has he moved on? I have so many unanswered questions and no one to answer them.
I really hope that my heart gets better soon. I don’t handle heartbreak very well, and I’m not too sure how much longer I can last.
Lots of love & hugs,
Becky
“I am damaged at best, like you’ve already figured out…
I’m falling apart, I’m barely breathing;
With a broken heart that’s still beating.
In the pain, there is healing;
In your name, I find meaning.
So I’m holdin’ on, I’m holdin’ on, I’m holdin’ on,
I’m barely holdin’ on to you”
Broken – Lifehouse
The last few days have been pretty emotional, with last night being the worst. It’s getting close to the anniversary of my really good friend’s death. And I’m getting sadder as the day approaches. And as much as his death impacted my life, that is not what made my night terrible. It’s not why I am broken.
Last night, my friend Alexander spoke in the high school service that I intern at. We had the ever awkward, the ever inevitable, and the ever “why do I have to be here?!” talk. The sex talk. While he was talking about how sex is more than just a physical act, he brought up how sexual abuse victims aren’t told, “Hey, get over it. It was just physical.” We realize that it affects them to the core. After he brought that up he spoke to the victims in the room.
“I want you to know, and the leaders want you to know that what happened to you wasn’t from God. It wasn’t your fault. It was an act of evil. That was Satan. You are not at fault. If you need someone to talk to, come talk to me or one of the leader.” As those words entered my ears, I felt my body shudder. I felt myself turning red. I felt my eyes get watery. I began to think on all the times I was abused. And I utterly felt broken.
Alexander doesn’t know what happened. None of the leaders know. Sitting there, hearing the words that it wasn’t my fault hit me hard. For years I believed that I was at fault because they made me believe that. I believed that I deserved the abuse. This has affected me in every way, especially in my relationship with Taylor.
When I first met Taylor, I was dealing with one of my abusers being around. I told him what had happened, and I was afraid that he would look at me differently. I thought that he would see me as damaged goods. I figured that he wouldn’t even want to associate himself with me because of what happened to me.
I was dead wrong. After I told him what had happened, he saw me as a young woman with a lot of strength. He was amazed that I trusted him so much since men had abused me in many ways. And now, he even sees me as his future wife!
But the feelings of being broken come and go at times. I still struggle with it, and it might be something that I struggle with for the rest of my life. I can tell Taylor when these feelings come. He reminds me of who I am, what I mean to him and our families. I am loved. I am made whole in Christ. The love and support I have from him and my family will get me through this.
If you have been abused in any way, please talk to someone. Tell a family member. Tell your best friend. Find a counselor. You can even email me: bec.espinoza@gmail.com. Whatever has happened to you, please talk to someone, don’t go through it alone
The National Domestic Violence Hotline: http://www.thehotline.org/ 1-800-799-7233 | 1-800-787-3224 (TTY)
National Sexual Assault Hotline: https://www.rainn.org/get-help/national-sexual-assault-hotline 1-800-656-HOPE(4673)
Childhelp National Child Abuse Hotline: http://www.childhelp.org/pages/hotline-home 1-800-422-4453
In this day and age, we live in a time where we show the world that we have perfect lives. On Instagram, we often see #selfies of girls that have often edited the photo to make themselves look good or better. I am so guilty of this (although not all my selfies have been edited, just a few)!
Why do we do this though? Is it bad to show our imperfections? Will people truly hate or judge us because we aren’t perfect?
We clearly live in a society that makes perfection difficult to obtain. You can always be thinner. You can always dye those grays. You can get plastic surgery. There is a solution for things, but there will always be a way to take it further, to be better.
Why do we put so much stress on ourselves to be perfect? Will it make our relationships better? Will it help our grades? Will we get richer? Will we find the love of our life that way?
Probably not. And it bites that we get upset over others imperfections.
My lovely boyfriend, Taylor, has ADD. He chooses to not take any meds to manage his ADD. When we first met, I knew something was different. I noticed his rapid eye shifts, his slight head turns to a noise he could hear from afar, the distracted looks he’d make when I would try to talk to him. He eventually told me that he has ADD. I could hear the slight tinge of fear as he uttered the words “I have ADD.”
I ended up finding out that in previous relationships his exes would get upset, even to the point of yelling at him for his ADD showing. That broke my heart. It’s a part of who he is, but it is not who he is. I love him even more because of his ADD. He sees the world differently, and it’s amazing!
Now I’m not telling you this to say that I’m an amazing girlfriend for loving her boyfriend with ADD. I’m saying that what others would say is an imperfection, we should see as something that makes someone unique and their own person.
We have all been created in the image of God (Gen. 1:26-28), and He saw what He had made and said that it is good (Gen. 1:31). If God has uniquely created us, why should we have to perfect ourselves? Why should we judge others for being imperfect?
If you have an imperfection that you don’t like, and you can change it in a healthy manner, go for it. I’m not saying that you can change and make better choices for yourself, just please don’t make changes to please others or to make it seem like your life is perfect.
The only One that can make our lives perfect is God. He has made us perfect in Christ, so let us look at others the way God sees them: forgiven, loved, and whole.
Another Season, Another Year 