Kind of an Update?

Hello friends!

I’m sorry for not uploading or anything recently. Life has been crazy at home and at school, but things have slowed down and hopefully I can be more consistent whether it’s filming with an actual camera or my phone! I hope you guys enjoy the new update!

Lots of love and Hugs,
Becky Espinoza

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Still I’m Missing…

On most Wednesday nights, I go to my church’s young adults group called Ethos. The group is really great, and I’m starting to make really good friends. We started this series called Uphill: The Battle for the Abundant Life.

As we are going through this series, Charles, the Ethos pastor, was talking about how he likes to look at very successful people like Steve Jobs, Bill Gates, etc. He commented on how you can see the fruits of their labor, and one can even say that their lives have reached completion in a sense.

I begin to look at my life, and I know that I am nowhere near complete. There are so many things that I want to do with my life and time. And I mean, where to begin? Counselor, teacher, barista, photographer, writer, awesome girlfriend (some day… Jake suggested that, and more on that on my next post), and so much more.

I have already completed my undergrad career; I got accepted to my dream grad school, and yet I feel like I’m missing something.

I like to take a look at the broken parts of my life from time to time. Rarely is it for a pity party (although, ice cream helps), but it’s to see how despite the crappiest moments in my life, I’m not done and I won’t give up.

In my last post I shared lyrics from The Workday Release’s new album titled City Lights. Let me share once more from the song Damages.

“Don’t count me with the damages just yet; I know that I have fire left.”

I have the fire to do more with my relationships and myself. That drive, that passion comes from my Creator. It is the One who hung the stars that has stirred up the fire that is in my bones. The fire that urges me to be more, to love more, to live outside of myself, and to make a difference in someone’s life.

Maybe you have a fire within you. Maybe you have a passion for something that is crazy. Whatever it may be, I encourage you to pursue that passion and fire. You were created with a purpose. Live out your dreams. Live out your purpose. Know that I am rooting for you! Keep doing you!

Lots of love & hugs,
Becky

Saying “Goodbye”

Over the last two years, I have had to say “goodbye” to certain people in my life. Some of them were because of personal reasons, people wanting to peace out of my life, and death. I for one am not too fond of goodbyes. I feel like what I had known for so long, what felt so secure, is nothing more than something that can be snatched away.

I was watching the new Night at the Museum: Secret of the Tomb movie at the theatre by myself (sometimes you just need “me time,” you know?), and there was one particular scene that hit me pretty hard.

In the scene, Robin Williams’ character, Teddy Roosevelt, tells Ben Stiller’s character, Larry Daley, that he and some of the other museum characters are ready for a change. Larry replies with a very emotional, “But I’m not ready!” (see?! No real spoilers!)

I started thinking, how many times have I said that to others? How many times have I thought this when I couldn’t bring myself to say the words?

I began to think of the people I have lost. They seemed to have been ready to go, whether it was by choice or death. The only person in the relationships (platonic, familial, and dating) that wasn’t ready was me.

Often times I think of how I’m not ready to let go of certain things, but I am reminded that even though I may not be ready, others might be. I need to respect that, and let go even when I feel like I can’t. Courage isn’t found in being brave, but is found in going through the scary and painful things.

I know that I am nowhere near brave, let alone courageous. I am just a girl that longs for consistency, stability, just something that will not hurt me. The odds of finding that in life are slim to none. I need to accept that. I need to accept that life is a series of ups and downs; it’s constantly changing.

That’s where Christ steps in. He is the true constant in my life. He hasn’t peaced out on me. He hasn’t told me, “I just can’t be with you right now.” Or, “I can’t do this anymore. I need an out.” He is the most legit thing I have.

And yes, I have felt like sometimes he wasn’t there for me. But how many people have we pushed away only to feel like no one cares? Where my fears, anxiety and doubts have plagued my life, His love and grace abounded so much more.

Now I’m not saying that this all changes my anxiety, but what I am saying is that it continues to push me to a point where I can have courage despite the crappiness of my life. I can go through the scary and painful things in life because even though I may not be ready, I know that Someone is ready.

I know that being courageous isn’t easy, but knowing that there is a constant can make it bearable. I’m not going through it alone, and neither are you.

If you ever need a bro to talk to, or someone to go through life with you, I am totally here for you. I would love to be courageous with you. I can be reached via Twitter (@beckyblendr), Instagram (@beckyblender), Facebook (Becky Espinoza), and Email bec.espinoza@gmail.com. Life isn’t meant to be done alone.

Love & Hugs,
Becky

Freeway

My church (Eastside Christian Church) and I have been going through this series called Freeway. It’s all about finding the “free way” through Christ. It’s about being honest with God, others, and more importantly, yourself.

So far, the topics that have been covered have been:
– Knowing the One who grants freedom
– Awareness
– Discovery
– Ownership
– Forgiveness

The topic that has struck me has been the topic of ownership. How does ownership grant you freedom? Are they even connected? Why yes, yes they are.

Ownership is connected to freedom by how we react and own up to our choices. An example in my life where I have lacked ownership has been when I lost one of my closest friends a year and a half ago. I blamed it God, and I mistreated the relationships I had/have and jumped into a romantic relationship before being ready. If I had taken ownership of the pain I felt from losing a friend, I probably wouldn’t be trying to mend a broken heart from a broken relationship that I allowed to compromise some of my morals.

In recent pop culture news, Shia LaBeouf opened up to Interview Magazine and stated that he found God while working on his recent film Fury. I read the interview, and let me tell you, I want to meet Shia even more now (I had a HUGE crush on him when he was on Even Stevens!). At the end of the interview, Shia says:

I’ve been a runner my whole life, running from myself. Whether to movies or drinking and drugging or fu**ing calamity or whatever it is, I’ve always been running. I’m a dude who loves delusion. It’s why I love being an actor—I never have to actually look at myself or be faced with my sh** or take responsibility. So it’s been an eye-opening thing to have to look at myself, at my life, and have these reflective moments… I’ve been blessed with a sh** life.

What I absolutely love about this quote and article in general is the realness of it. I think often times as Christians in America we look at our lives and circumstances and ask God “why?.” I know I do this, probably on the daily.

Shia’s interview shows revelations from his time as being a Christian that has taken me years to even grasp. He [now] takes ownership of the circumstances that he has been through, even if they weren’t his fault. He has had to take responsibility for his life.

As someone who has grown up in the church, I haven’t taken responsibility when I should have all along. So what if Shia throws out expletives ever so often, as a young-ish Christian, he is more mature than I am.

Shia has been a great example in realizing that I need to take responsibility of my life and the choices I make. My encouragement to you is to take a step back and look at your life. Maybe you’ll see that you already take responsibility for your life, or you need to make some choices and take ownership of certain actions you may have done. I know that I need to do this.

Be blessed guys!

Lots of love & hugs,
Becky

P.S.
Sorry if this is all jumbled!

Doubting is Okay

I recently saw a tweet that said “Doubt and die, or believe and live.” This got me upset.

I feel that often Christians expect believers to buy into this ideology. If God said it, believe it. If it’s in the Bible, believe it. Don’t ask questions. Accept and believe.

The problem with this is that we’re not all made the same. Not everyone can blindly accept information. Some of us have to logically find the connections for us to believe. And let’s face it, the Big Man made us, so He understands if we have questions and doubts.

If you have doubts or questions about your faith, or if you should have faith at all, it’s okay. I have doubts and questions all the time.

Have you heard about a guy in the Bible named (well, nicknamed) Doubting Thomas? You can find his story in John 20:24-29. He is the disciple that wasn’t around when Jesus appeared to his disciples when He resurrected. The disciples then told Thomas that Jesus had come back to life (insert Hank Azaria’s voice from Night at the Museum 2)! Thomas’ response was pretty much: bros, I just gotta see Him for myself, or I’m not gonna believe.

He gets the nickname Doubting Thomas for having a pretty natural reaction to the situation. Would you believe that someone you were close to that died came back to life? Probably not. Or you’d think that it was some sort of a sick joke. You may wish that they came back, but the odds of that happening are zero to none. But once he saw Christ, living and breathing, he believed.

When your doubts or questions consume you, that is when it can become a problem. Doubts are supposed to cause you to search and hopefully find an answer or find peace in not knowing the answer.

Not gonna lie though, doubting sucks. And sometimes, it’s hella hard to doubt your doubts. But just don’t let your doubts consume you.

Remember, doubting is okay. It’s just a matter of what you do with those doubts.

The Struggle is Real: An Open Letter to Non-Believers

For all the people that do not believe in Christianity, I would like to say that I am sorry. This isn’t like a pious, “I’m sorry that I am better than all of you.” type of apology. It is just an apology from one person to another. I am sorry.

I am sorry that Christians try to shove religion down your throat. I am sorry that people preach hatred. I am sorry if you have felt victimized by Christianity in any way. I am sorry that Christianity has not done what they’re preaching. Lastly, I am sorry for not doing my own part. I am sorry if I have wronged anyone, and if my actions pushed you away from Christianity.

I have gotten caught up in doing good. Not that that’s wrong, but the heart behind it is wrong. I haven’t done good to benefit others and show them God’s love; I’ve done it to make myself look good. Honestly, doing things to make one look good sucks (yes, I just said that I suck)! Am I wrong?

Being a Christian is about doing what God has called us to do: love others, share the news of Christ through love, helping others out, and constantly growing the relationship built on Christ. We aren’t perfect. We’re not better than others. And we sure as hell (it’s okay if I say that, right?) shouldn’t be acting as if we are better or perfect. I’m guilty of doing this, and I apologize.

The purpose of this letter/blog is not to automatically convert you to Christianity, but to show you that not all of us are the same. We’re not all pious and bigots. If the only interaction you’ve had with Christians have been with people that have treated you wrongly, I am sorry. I’m not proud of that, and I’m certain that the Man upstairs ain’t to thrilled either.

As a Christian myself, I will do my best to show love and Christ in all that I do. If we ever get the chance to meet, I hope that the experience you have with me is a memorable one (for good reasons of course). I love you all, and I hope that you don’t hold all the bogus encounters with Christians to everyone who believes in Christianity.