Kind of an Update?

Hello friends!

I’m sorry for not uploading or anything recently. Life has been crazy at home and at school, but things have slowed down and hopefully I can be more consistent whether it’s filming with an actual camera or my phone! I hope you guys enjoy the new update!

Lots of love and Hugs,
Becky Espinoza

Welcomed Changes

I am not one for liking change. Change puts me under a lot of stress, and when I stress, I’m not a great person to be around. I cause problems in my relationships; I procrastinate more (which frankly, I didn’t think was possible); and I just hate to be around myself.

But recently, there have been a series of recent changes that I am okay with, and I actually love the changes.

While I wish different aspects of my life were playing out the way I’d like, the changes happening in other parts of my life are exciting!

I applied to grad school around mid/late January. I heard back from the school for interviews early February. The interviews ended up taking place in the last week of February. That’s when changes started happening.

The Monday before my interviews, I decided that a way to calm my nerves was to go to a concert! I mean great music lifts weary spirits, and I knew that listening to The Workday Release would do just that.

As I drove to LA, I drove by the famous skyline. I began to remember the different times I would drive past it to go visit Paul. It’s so strange not having him around anymore. The change of him not being around is becoming bearable.

When I finally reached the venue, I got to see David play after about three/four years. It was great seeing how much he has grown musically! As his set went on, he played one of his new songs that bears the same title as the album, City Lights. It’s a fun song that talks about the city and trying to make it on your own. The chorus stuck with me.

“Take off, show me the stars
I’m ready to leave; I’m ready to leave the city
I’m flat broke, show me the road to the good life”

As much as I hate change, I didn’t realize that I am craving change. I’m ready to leave. I’m ready for the good life.

A few days later, I had my interviews for grad school. I GOT IN!!! I’m going to be starting a new chapter in my life academically.

A few days after my acceptance, I received a phone call for an interview to be a casual sub for a really great company in their children’s learning center. There might be a change in my professional life as well.

I am getting more responsibility with the high school ministry that I am a part of, and I couldn’t be happier!

I am making friends, and a friendship that I didn’t realize that I even wanted when I first met this individual is flourishing. I cannot wait to see where that leads either!

Change is in the air, and for once, I am thrilled for it.

Lots of love & hugs,
Becky

P.S.
If you get the chance, you should definitely get The Workday Release’s new album City Lights on iTunes, Amazon, and GooglePlay! You will not be disappointed!

We’re All Chipped

So this last week has been one heck of a roller coaster for me. Things with Taylor are completely over now. He started seeing one of my friends, and neither of them told me. Let the feelings of betrayal ensue. I also got some medical test results back, and they were abnormal, so now I have to go back to the doctor to see what can be done and see what is going on in my body. Lastly, and the best part of my week was being able to see my “older brother” get married.

At the wedding, I was so happy to see Matt get married! They are so happy and perfect for each other! God truly brought them together, and everyone sees it. With all the wedding bliss in the air, I got to slightly catch up with Matt’s best man, Dakota.

I got the chance to meet Dakota the same year I met Matt (2010). He and I didn’t necessarily talk a whole lot, but he was definitely chill. I probably saw him two/three times after we met (not including the wedding), and when we saw each other, he didn’t necessarily remember me all to well.

I was able to do a toast to the bride and groom, and shortly after I ran into (not literally, thank goodness) Dakota. He hugged me like we were pretty close friends (heck, I wasn’t gonna fight it! I love hugs!). I found out that he was stationed at the Marine Base not too far from where I work. We have kind of made plans to hang out soon-ish, and I for one am excited for hang out times!

That night, I dreamt a pretty profound (I think so anyways) conversation that I had with Dakota. We were in a room talking, and he said that he wanted to remove some artwork from the wall. I pointed out that the paint can chip and what not. What Dakota said next was mind blowing to me.

“If it does chip, we can still work with it. It doesn’t mean that it’s not beautiful.”

I woke up astonished that I could dream something up like that. And it got me thinking. Having a broken heart, illness, bad day, whatever is like having a chip in the paint. It’s still fixable. It can be worked with/on. It does not ruin the whole.

Likewise, God uses the broken pieces and chips in our lives to make something crazy beautiful out of our lives, we just have to let Him do that. And this is something that I am going to try to do this week.

Lots of love & hugs,
Becky

Sometimes, I am a “Naomi”

I was reading through the book of Ruth lately. I remember growing up and hearing how I need to be like Ruth and stick with my family through every situation, or how I need to be like a Proverbs 31 woman. These are some crazy hard things to accomplish at 22, let alone 12.

When crazy and troubling times when I should be Ruth-like, I’m Naomi. I’m the brooding mother-in-law who thinks God is totally against me (a tad overdramatic, but hey! Someone has to be, right?).

I’m currently going through those troubling times. The question is, where to begin? I can start with moving from Oregon back to California. For some people, this is no big deal. I mean, I’m back in Los Angeles, the City of Angels. But for someone who has autism, change is hard. I am having a hard time with the transition. My room doesn’t feel like my room, mornings aren’t filled with Dutch Bros., and I do not have very many friends.

Then there is everything going on with my uncle. He was hospitalized before I moved back to California, and he stayed in the hospital for a few weeks before being sent home for hospice care. Some family members are just waiting for him to die, while others are still hoping and praying for a miracle. I don’t know what to do.

Then there is everything with Taylor. I replay the last few days in my mind to see what happened. Did I do something wrong? While he claimed that I didn’t do anything wrong, I felt/feel like I’m getting punished for it anyways. I may have not done anything wrong, but dealing with this with so many questions makes it difficult to move on. I want to know what happened, but I won’t get answers if communication isn’t there.

So the last month and a half has been interesting (I can’t say horrible because I know that my problems aren’t as bad as others). I have asked God where He is. I have wondered why this has all happened. Why would the people/person I need most bail when things became hard in my life? Was my love not enough?

So while I may never get the answers to my unending list of questions, I can’t forget what happened to Naomi. While she felt like God was being terrible to her (and possibly feeling abandoned), God never left her side. He was working through Ruth to bless her. My Ruth may not be so clear to me right now, but I know that some day I will know.

If you are going through a hard time or know someone that is and you/they may be acting like Naomi, it’s okay. It’s okay because you/they have a Ruth in your/their lives. It may be hard to see now, but know that they’re there. And lastly, God is there by your/their side whether feelings of abandonment or like He is against you are present. He has always been faithful, so why wouldn’t He be faithful now?

I love you guys.

Lots of love & hugs,
Becky

Ch-Ch-Changes!!!

So it’s been a long time since I last posted on here. Life has been pretty crazy to say the least. Here are some of the changes that have happened:

  1. I graduated college!
  2. I am currently single (that is a long story, and still trying to deal with it)
  3. I moved back to Southern California
  4. I am a Disney Store Cast Member! (YAYYYYY!!!)
  5. I cut my hair!
  6. I signed up for a half marathon in May!
  7. I haven’t started training for said half marathon… (I’m going to get on that soon!)
  8. I caught up on Once Upon a Time
  9. I started watching American Horror Story (it’s so not good for my soul!)
  10. I started painting again
  11. I am currently reading The Maze Runner Series

These are just some of the changes in my life. Some changes have been easier than others. Change can be pretty hard for me to deal with at times, and the two biggest changes for me have been moving and being single again.

I knew that at some point I was going to move. With moving comes saying goodbye to friends and the life you led in a particular place. Leaving Oregon was a bittersweet thing. I am so happy to be with my grandparents again and spending time with other family members that live here, but I said goodbye to some really good friends in Oregon.

Becoming single is a very touchy subject for me. Taylor and I had talked about getting married, and it seemed like everything would work out with us. Two and a half weeks before I moved, he decided that we should split up because he had things he had to work on. That was the last thing I wanted to do because I would have married him that very moment if he asked me to. He had a ring and knew exactly how he would have proposed to me. Now he and I are not speaking because it was too hard for him to be my friend. So now I don’t know where we stand. Are we still hoping to get back together? Are we completely over? Did he get rid of everything I gave back to him? Does he still use his lanyard and Mickey key cover? Has he moved on? I have so many unanswered questions and no one to answer them.

I really hope that my heart gets better soon. I don’t handle heartbreak very well, and I’m not too sure how much longer I can last.

Lots of love & hugs,
Becky

Taking a Leap of Faith

“Whoever loves his life loses it, and whoever hates his life in this world will keep it for eternal life. If anyone serves me, he must follow me; and where I am, there will my servant be also. If anyone serves me, the Father will honor him.” John 12:25-26

So recently I’ve been reading a lot about taking a leap of faith. I’ve been reading about seeing where God has opened doors, and people walk through them just knowing and having faith that God will provide. And I am not going to lie to you. It’s hard. I feel like I have no idea as to what I am doing. I recently read a post about this pastor that moved cross country to follow what God has called him to do. This was the first of many readings about moving, and really taking a leap of faith.

Now I’m thinking, God, I am in my senior year of college. I am set to go to this grad school, why do You keep throwing this other one at me? Is this God’s way of saying, “Hey! You gotta listen to Me and follow Me. I have this great plan for you! Just trust Me.” And let’s be honest, it’s easier said than done. I’m not doubting that God has this great plan for me, I’m just not too thrilled that I have no idea what’s going on.

I want to live a life that glorifies God. I want to be able to make decisions that fall in line with His plan for my life. And there is nothing wrong with that, right?