Still I’m Missing…

On most Wednesday nights, I go to my church’s young adults group called Ethos. The group is really great, and I’m starting to make really good friends. We started this series called Uphill: The Battle for the Abundant Life.

As we are going through this series, Charles, the Ethos pastor, was talking about how he likes to look at very successful people like Steve Jobs, Bill Gates, etc. He commented on how you can see the fruits of their labor, and one can even say that their lives have reached completion in a sense.

I begin to look at my life, and I know that I am nowhere near complete. There are so many things that I want to do with my life and time. And I mean, where to begin? Counselor, teacher, barista, photographer, writer, awesome girlfriend (some day… Jake suggested that, and more on that on my next post), and so much more.

I have already completed my undergrad career; I got accepted to my dream grad school, and yet I feel like I’m missing something.

I like to take a look at the broken parts of my life from time to time. Rarely is it for a pity party (although, ice cream helps), but it’s to see how despite the crappiest moments in my life, I’m not done and I won’t give up.

In my last post I shared lyrics from The Workday Release’s new album titled City Lights. Let me share once more from the song Damages.

“Don’t count me with the damages just yet; I know that I have fire left.”

I have the fire to do more with my relationships and myself. That drive, that passion comes from my Creator. It is the One who hung the stars that has stirred up the fire that is in my bones. The fire that urges me to be more, to love more, to live outside of myself, and to make a difference in someone’s life.

Maybe you have a fire within you. Maybe you have a passion for something that is crazy. Whatever it may be, I encourage you to pursue that passion and fire. You were created with a purpose. Live out your dreams. Live out your purpose. Know that I am rooting for you! Keep doing you!

Lots of love & hugs,
Becky

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Welcomed Changes

I am not one for liking change. Change puts me under a lot of stress, and when I stress, I’m not a great person to be around. I cause problems in my relationships; I procrastinate more (which frankly, I didn’t think was possible); and I just hate to be around myself.

But recently, there have been a series of recent changes that I am okay with, and I actually love the changes.

While I wish different aspects of my life were playing out the way I’d like, the changes happening in other parts of my life are exciting!

I applied to grad school around mid/late January. I heard back from the school for interviews early February. The interviews ended up taking place in the last week of February. That’s when changes started happening.

The Monday before my interviews, I decided that a way to calm my nerves was to go to a concert! I mean great music lifts weary spirits, and I knew that listening to The Workday Release would do just that.

As I drove to LA, I drove by the famous skyline. I began to remember the different times I would drive past it to go visit Paul. It’s so strange not having him around anymore. The change of him not being around is becoming bearable.

When I finally reached the venue, I got to see David play after about three/four years. It was great seeing how much he has grown musically! As his set went on, he played one of his new songs that bears the same title as the album, City Lights. It’s a fun song that talks about the city and trying to make it on your own. The chorus stuck with me.

“Take off, show me the stars
I’m ready to leave; I’m ready to leave the city
I’m flat broke, show me the road to the good life”

As much as I hate change, I didn’t realize that I am craving change. I’m ready to leave. I’m ready for the good life.

A few days later, I had my interviews for grad school. I GOT IN!!! I’m going to be starting a new chapter in my life academically.

A few days after my acceptance, I received a phone call for an interview to be a casual sub for a really great company in their children’s learning center. There might be a change in my professional life as well.

I am getting more responsibility with the high school ministry that I am a part of, and I couldn’t be happier!

I am making friends, and a friendship that I didn’t realize that I even wanted when I first met this individual is flourishing. I cannot wait to see where that leads either!

Change is in the air, and for once, I am thrilled for it.

Lots of love & hugs,
Becky

P.S.
If you get the chance, you should definitely get The Workday Release’s new album City Lights on iTunes, Amazon, and GooglePlay! You will not be disappointed!

Saying “Goodbye”

Over the last two years, I have had to say “goodbye” to certain people in my life. Some of them were because of personal reasons, people wanting to peace out of my life, and death. I for one am not too fond of goodbyes. I feel like what I had known for so long, what felt so secure, is nothing more than something that can be snatched away.

I was watching the new Night at the Museum: Secret of the Tomb movie at the theatre by myself (sometimes you just need “me time,” you know?), and there was one particular scene that hit me pretty hard.

In the scene, Robin Williams’ character, Teddy Roosevelt, tells Ben Stiller’s character, Larry Daley, that he and some of the other museum characters are ready for a change. Larry replies with a very emotional, “But I’m not ready!” (see?! No real spoilers!)

I started thinking, how many times have I said that to others? How many times have I thought this when I couldn’t bring myself to say the words?

I began to think of the people I have lost. They seemed to have been ready to go, whether it was by choice or death. The only person in the relationships (platonic, familial, and dating) that wasn’t ready was me.

Often times I think of how I’m not ready to let go of certain things, but I am reminded that even though I may not be ready, others might be. I need to respect that, and let go even when I feel like I can’t. Courage isn’t found in being brave, but is found in going through the scary and painful things.

I know that I am nowhere near brave, let alone courageous. I am just a girl that longs for consistency, stability, just something that will not hurt me. The odds of finding that in life are slim to none. I need to accept that. I need to accept that life is a series of ups and downs; it’s constantly changing.

That’s where Christ steps in. He is the true constant in my life. He hasn’t peaced out on me. He hasn’t told me, “I just can’t be with you right now.” Or, “I can’t do this anymore. I need an out.” He is the most legit thing I have.

And yes, I have felt like sometimes he wasn’t there for me. But how many people have we pushed away only to feel like no one cares? Where my fears, anxiety and doubts have plagued my life, His love and grace abounded so much more.

Now I’m not saying that this all changes my anxiety, but what I am saying is that it continues to push me to a point where I can have courage despite the crappiness of my life. I can go through the scary and painful things in life because even though I may not be ready, I know that Someone is ready.

I know that being courageous isn’t easy, but knowing that there is a constant can make it bearable. I’m not going through it alone, and neither are you.

If you ever need a bro to talk to, or someone to go through life with you, I am totally here for you. I would love to be courageous with you. I can be reached via Twitter (@beckyblendr), Instagram (@beckyblender), Facebook (Becky Espinoza), and Email bec.espinoza@gmail.com. Life isn’t meant to be done alone.

Love & Hugs,
Becky