Grad School

Almost a month ago I started grad school. To be completely honest with you, I was terrified. I wasn’t sure what to expect, let alone realize just how much of a time commitment I was making by going back to school. Don’t get me wrong, I love learning. Knowledge is power! But something was still bugging me.

I’m going to grad school to become a licensed marriage, family therapist and a licensed professional clinical counselor. I should be excited about this new career path, right? Yes and no. I was excited because I love back-to-school shopping, but I wasn’t for some unknown reason. It wasn’t until I had this pretty painful conversation with my psychotherapist that everything became clear.

I have had my fair share of friends that have passed away. Each one has  affected me to my core, and I’d be lying if I said otherwise. Each of my friends had made future plans, and while they are in a better place, I’m continuing on with my life. The plans we made will be unfinished plans. The different life events we planned on experiencing together will be ones that I will now experience without them. Realizing that sucks. Why do I get to keep on living? What makes me different?

Enter survivor’s guilt. Never in my life had I expected to lose three friends by the age of 23. This is the time when we are meant to be invincible, and yet their lives ended far too soon. Moving on is hard. We made to hang out, grow up, graduate, start families, and here I am (seemingly) alone.

With this newfound revelation of what has been going on inside my mind for the last several years, I’m trying to move on without guilt. I’m trying to keep the promises we made, because we promised to be more. We promised to make a difference. We promised to be there. It’s not going to be easy. It’s not easy now. I feel this knot welling up in my throat, and I just want to cry because I am still that young girl that lost some of her best friends.

If you have lost a friend to death or a circumstance out of your control, know that you’re not alone. I am here for you. I know the pain. We can get through this together. Take care, friends.

Lots of love and hugs,
Becky Espinoza

Saying “Goodbye”

Over the last two years, I have had to say “goodbye” to certain people in my life. Some of them were because of personal reasons, people wanting to peace out of my life, and death. I for one am not too fond of goodbyes. I feel like what I had known for so long, what felt so secure, is nothing more than something that can be snatched away.

I was watching the new Night at the Museum: Secret of the Tomb movie at the theatre by myself (sometimes you just need “me time,” you know?), and there was one particular scene that hit me pretty hard.

In the scene, Robin Williams’ character, Teddy Roosevelt, tells Ben Stiller’s character, Larry Daley, that he and some of the other museum characters are ready for a change. Larry replies with a very emotional, “But I’m not ready!” (see?! No real spoilers!)

I started thinking, how many times have I said that to others? How many times have I thought this when I couldn’t bring myself to say the words?

I began to think of the people I have lost. They seemed to have been ready to go, whether it was by choice or death. The only person in the relationships (platonic, familial, and dating) that wasn’t ready was me.

Often times I think of how I’m not ready to let go of certain things, but I am reminded that even though I may not be ready, others might be. I need to respect that, and let go even when I feel like I can’t. Courage isn’t found in being brave, but is found in going through the scary and painful things.

I know that I am nowhere near brave, let alone courageous. I am just a girl that longs for consistency, stability, just something that will not hurt me. The odds of finding that in life are slim to none. I need to accept that. I need to accept that life is a series of ups and downs; it’s constantly changing.

That’s where Christ steps in. He is the true constant in my life. He hasn’t peaced out on me. He hasn’t told me, “I just can’t be with you right now.” Or, “I can’t do this anymore. I need an out.” He is the most legit thing I have.

And yes, I have felt like sometimes he wasn’t there for me. But how many people have we pushed away only to feel like no one cares? Where my fears, anxiety and doubts have plagued my life, His love and grace abounded so much more.

Now I’m not saying that this all changes my anxiety, but what I am saying is that it continues to push me to a point where I can have courage despite the crappiness of my life. I can go through the scary and painful things in life because even though I may not be ready, I know that Someone is ready.

I know that being courageous isn’t easy, but knowing that there is a constant can make it bearable. I’m not going through it alone, and neither are you.

If you ever need a bro to talk to, or someone to go through life with you, I am totally here for you. I would love to be courageous with you. I can be reached via Twitter (@beckyblendr), Instagram (@beckyblender), Facebook (Becky Espinoza), and Email bec.espinoza@gmail.com. Life isn’t meant to be done alone.

Love & Hugs,
Becky