Tell Me When My Time’s Up

What is there to say about life?

I always feel like I could be doing so much more with my life, mainly because I know that I can be. I mean don’t get me wrong, binge watching your favorite show on Netflix for the fiftieth time will finally get you to notice that one hair twitch that changed the course of the entire series and ultimately your life is super crucial.

I do not mean that in any serious way, but I just start to question what I could be doing instead of watching The Secret Life of the American Teenager for the tenth time (go ahead and judge, I know it’s ridiculous and I own it). I could finish reading the book I started over the summer, or one of the seven crochet projects I’ve started over the last few years, apply to grad school! Oh, wait… I actually did apply to grad school, and I also have an interview for that… I should start prepping for that…

The thing about life is that we never really realize how short it is until we look back at old calendars with only doctor’s appointments written down, or yearbooks in which maybe five people wrote in it including your two favorite teachers. Maybe it’s not even going through these old mementos, but rather going to a funeral/memorial of someone that you knew.

This happened to me recently. I went to the memorial service of a girl that I went to middle school with. When I first met her, I wasn’t too sure if I even wanted to know who she was because of the people that she hung out with. They weren’t very kind to me, and I wasn’t too sure if she was the same way. Fast-forward a year later, and I am on a bus with her on our way to Mexico on a mission trip. I got to know her really well. She was very kind and empathetic. I liked spending that time with her.

We get back to the States, and we didn’t talk much after that. Life just got crazy busy for both of us, and we lost contact with each other. Several years past and we are in December of 2014. I see a Facebook post saying that she had passed away. I just couldn’t believe it. The sweet girl I met was no longer around.

I sat staring at my computer screen just waiting to feel something. Anything.

Is this real life?

And then it hit me. I felt as though I had been catapulted back into the hotel room I was in on February 23, 2013 when I had two phone calls with two very important people. It was like I could almost hear both Lindsey and Teri saying that Paul had passed away. I felt like everything was still and I could just hear my heart beating. The knot began to form in my throat. I sat in shock.

While I sat at my friend’s memorial service, I kept going back to Paul’s death. This wasn’t to say that I didn’t think of my friend either, it’s just that they both had the same shock factor and it was like I was going through the experience along with this current death.

My friend had plans to make herself better; to make a better life for her daughters. Paul was filming as an extra and he wanted to continue his music. They were actively doing something with their time and lives.

I’m over here shipping Oliver Queen and Felicity Smoak.

I want my life to be meaningful and not just empty calendars with appointments written on them. I want to write a book (about what, I have no clue). I want to be proficient at the ukulele. I want to learn how to be a barista. I want to go to awesome concerts. I want to run a half marathon (training for it counts, right?). I want to fall in love. I want to do things that can help people. I want to change lives.

But to do that, I need to leave my room. I need to stop being lazy.

Oh, Lord, give me strength.

Love & hugs,
Becky

Saying “Goodbye”

Over the last two years, I have had to say “goodbye” to certain people in my life. Some of them were because of personal reasons, people wanting to peace out of my life, and death. I for one am not too fond of goodbyes. I feel like what I had known for so long, what felt so secure, is nothing more than something that can be snatched away.

I was watching the new Night at the Museum: Secret of the Tomb movie at the theatre by myself (sometimes you just need “me time,” you know?), and there was one particular scene that hit me pretty hard.

In the scene, Robin Williams’ character, Teddy Roosevelt, tells Ben Stiller’s character, Larry Daley, that he and some of the other museum characters are ready for a change. Larry replies with a very emotional, “But I’m not ready!” (see?! No real spoilers!)

I started thinking, how many times have I said that to others? How many times have I thought this when I couldn’t bring myself to say the words?

I began to think of the people I have lost. They seemed to have been ready to go, whether it was by choice or death. The only person in the relationships (platonic, familial, and dating) that wasn’t ready was me.

Often times I think of how I’m not ready to let go of certain things, but I am reminded that even though I may not be ready, others might be. I need to respect that, and let go even when I feel like I can’t. Courage isn’t found in being brave, but is found in going through the scary and painful things.

I know that I am nowhere near brave, let alone courageous. I am just a girl that longs for consistency, stability, just something that will not hurt me. The odds of finding that in life are slim to none. I need to accept that. I need to accept that life is a series of ups and downs; it’s constantly changing.

That’s where Christ steps in. He is the true constant in my life. He hasn’t peaced out on me. He hasn’t told me, “I just can’t be with you right now.” Or, “I can’t do this anymore. I need an out.” He is the most legit thing I have.

And yes, I have felt like sometimes he wasn’t there for me. But how many people have we pushed away only to feel like no one cares? Where my fears, anxiety and doubts have plagued my life, His love and grace abounded so much more.

Now I’m not saying that this all changes my anxiety, but what I am saying is that it continues to push me to a point where I can have courage despite the crappiness of my life. I can go through the scary and painful things in life because even though I may not be ready, I know that Someone is ready.

I know that being courageous isn’t easy, but knowing that there is a constant can make it bearable. I’m not going through it alone, and neither are you.

If you ever need a bro to talk to, or someone to go through life with you, I am totally here for you. I would love to be courageous with you. I can be reached via Twitter (@beckyblendr), Instagram (@beckyblender), Facebook (Becky Espinoza), and Email bec.espinoza@gmail.com. Life isn’t meant to be done alone.

Love & Hugs,
Becky

Work and Stuff

I had a call in shift today. When I called, my manager wanted me to come in but she tweaked the hours, which I didn’t mind. I went in feeling a bit sluggish, although I had 9 hours of sleep, but not the point.

About a month ago while I was working, I met a mother and her daughter while they were shopping. I was greeting at that point of my shift when I heard an “excuse me” behind me while I was greeting some guests with a “Hey there! Hi there! Ho there! Welcome to the Disney Store!” I turned around to see this mother and daughter. The daughter looked to be around my age (22/23 I’m guessing), and she is special needs. She was holding onto a Wilbur Robinson (from Disney’s Meet the Robinsons) plush! And if you know me, I absolutely LOVE that movie! So I was able to help them out with what they were looking for, and we started talking about Meet the Robinsons before they made their way to the box office (registers).

Today while I was ringing up guests in the box office, I noticed that they were in line. I did my best to calculate everything so I could help them again. When they walked up to my register, I told them that I remembered them! They lit up and they remembered me as well! We talked about Meet the Robinsons again! While I was helping them with their exchanges, they were telling me about how they met one of the creators of the movie. The daughter was so very excited to tell me about her experience because she knew that I would love it just as much. Not gonna lie, they had a super great opportunity to meet the man! I was finishing up the exchange, when they introduced themselves to me. They said that I am their favorite cast member, and that they hope that when they come back to the store, that I’m working so I can help them again! They are super sweet, and I hope that the next time they walk in that I’m working too!

While I’ve been working at the Disney, I’ve noticed that some people bring in family members with Down syndrome or a group of people with special needs. I love when they walk in because they’re so great and so nice! But, sometimes I hear other guests comment under their breath asking why people would bring them out in public. That truly breaks my heart. They are people. They have emotions. And honestly, they are the best guests to have at the store, because they are so kind and they follow along with the Disney language. I have so much fun with them! And it’s those groups, and those families, and this mother and daughter that I’ve met that make my day even better at the happiest place in the mall. They are the guests that make a hard shift better and brighter for me when I’m the one who should make their day a bit more magical. They are the ones that teach me the most.

Having these experiences push me to love more; to see others the way God sees them and love them that much more. Sometimes, I wish that that my heart wasn’t so big, that God didn’t give me so much care for the world, but then the rest of the time I feel it pushing me to love more, do more, be more.

So if you read all of this, thanks! and if you happen to be at the South Coast Plaza, stop by the Disney Store and ask for me! 🙂

Freeway

My church (Eastside Christian Church) and I have been going through this series called Freeway. It’s all about finding the “free way” through Christ. It’s about being honest with God, others, and more importantly, yourself.

So far, the topics that have been covered have been:
– Knowing the One who grants freedom
– Awareness
– Discovery
– Ownership
– Forgiveness

The topic that has struck me has been the topic of ownership. How does ownership grant you freedom? Are they even connected? Why yes, yes they are.

Ownership is connected to freedom by how we react and own up to our choices. An example in my life where I have lacked ownership has been when I lost one of my closest friends a year and a half ago. I blamed it God, and I mistreated the relationships I had/have and jumped into a romantic relationship before being ready. If I had taken ownership of the pain I felt from losing a friend, I probably wouldn’t be trying to mend a broken heart from a broken relationship that I allowed to compromise some of my morals.

In recent pop culture news, Shia LaBeouf opened up to Interview Magazine and stated that he found God while working on his recent film Fury. I read the interview, and let me tell you, I want to meet Shia even more now (I had a HUGE crush on him when he was on Even Stevens!). At the end of the interview, Shia says:

I’ve been a runner my whole life, running from myself. Whether to movies or drinking and drugging or fu**ing calamity or whatever it is, I’ve always been running. I’m a dude who loves delusion. It’s why I love being an actor—I never have to actually look at myself or be faced with my sh** or take responsibility. So it’s been an eye-opening thing to have to look at myself, at my life, and have these reflective moments… I’ve been blessed with a sh** life.

What I absolutely love about this quote and article in general is the realness of it. I think often times as Christians in America we look at our lives and circumstances and ask God “why?.” I know I do this, probably on the daily.

Shia’s interview shows revelations from his time as being a Christian that has taken me years to even grasp. He [now] takes ownership of the circumstances that he has been through, even if they weren’t his fault. He has had to take responsibility for his life.

As someone who has grown up in the church, I haven’t taken responsibility when I should have all along. So what if Shia throws out expletives ever so often, as a young-ish Christian, he is more mature than I am.

Shia has been a great example in realizing that I need to take responsibility of my life and the choices I make. My encouragement to you is to take a step back and look at your life. Maybe you’ll see that you already take responsibility for your life, or you need to make some choices and take ownership of certain actions you may have done. I know that I need to do this.

Be blessed guys!

Lots of love & hugs,
Becky

P.S.
Sorry if this is all jumbled!

We’re All Chipped

So this last week has been one heck of a roller coaster for me. Things with Taylor are completely over now. He started seeing one of my friends, and neither of them told me. Let the feelings of betrayal ensue. I also got some medical test results back, and they were abnormal, so now I have to go back to the doctor to see what can be done and see what is going on in my body. Lastly, and the best part of my week was being able to see my “older brother” get married.

At the wedding, I was so happy to see Matt get married! They are so happy and perfect for each other! God truly brought them together, and everyone sees it. With all the wedding bliss in the air, I got to slightly catch up with Matt’s best man, Dakota.

I got the chance to meet Dakota the same year I met Matt (2010). He and I didn’t necessarily talk a whole lot, but he was definitely chill. I probably saw him two/three times after we met (not including the wedding), and when we saw each other, he didn’t necessarily remember me all to well.

I was able to do a toast to the bride and groom, and shortly after I ran into (not literally, thank goodness) Dakota. He hugged me like we were pretty close friends (heck, I wasn’t gonna fight it! I love hugs!). I found out that he was stationed at the Marine Base not too far from where I work. We have kind of made plans to hang out soon-ish, and I for one am excited for hang out times!

That night, I dreamt a pretty profound (I think so anyways) conversation that I had with Dakota. We were in a room talking, and he said that he wanted to remove some artwork from the wall. I pointed out that the paint can chip and what not. What Dakota said next was mind blowing to me.

“If it does chip, we can still work with it. It doesn’t mean that it’s not beautiful.”

I woke up astonished that I could dream something up like that. And it got me thinking. Having a broken heart, illness, bad day, whatever is like having a chip in the paint. It’s still fixable. It can be worked with/on. It does not ruin the whole.

Likewise, God uses the broken pieces and chips in our lives to make something crazy beautiful out of our lives, we just have to let Him do that. And this is something that I am going to try to do this week.

Lots of love & hugs,
Becky

I had forgotten

Today I had the awesome opportunity to speak at a middle school girls’ Bible study at my old middle school. It was a bittersweet moment walking through the old hallways where I would hang out with my friends and talk about boys and school. The classroom where they hold these Bible studies are in my old history classroom. As the nostalgia was slowly fading, I remembered why I was there in the first place. I was going to be speaking to a room full of girls, and I was nervous as heck to say the least.

Don’t get me wrong, I love being able to reach out to students and show them God’s love, but when it comes to speaking, it’s my nightmare. But what is so scary about talking to middle school girls? It’s not like they’ll judge me on what I’m saying (how I look maybe a different story). The thing that scares me is that they are listening to me.

While their attention spans differ from each other, they will listen at different parts. They pick up on the odd things I say, my stutters, voice inflections, everything. I want to be a positive influence in their lives because this time in their lives is very crucial. They are finding out who they are and who they want to be. Their schemas are being solidified, and I hope that I can be a positive role in their lives.

My talk went well, and they want me back. These young girls were listening to every word I said. They listened intently, and they want me back. The dean of girls (she’s the one in charge) told me that she has trouble trying to get things accomplished with them, but that they were very in tune with what I was saying. That had to be God’s doing because I am way too awkward and weird to be listened to for 15 minutes.

As I was walking back to my car, I remembered what God wants me to do with my life. He wants me to reach out to young people and show them His love. I had forgotten what my purpose was, and what made me happy. I love being apart of students lives because not only am I able to love and bless them, but they’re reciprocating too. Whether you have forgotten what God has called you to do, or you’re too afraid to do it, God has a way of making it happen. When it does happen and you realize it, you’re going to be blessed, and it will be awesome!

Lots of love & hugs,
Becky

Sometimes, I am a “Naomi”

I was reading through the book of Ruth lately. I remember growing up and hearing how I need to be like Ruth and stick with my family through every situation, or how I need to be like a Proverbs 31 woman. These are some crazy hard things to accomplish at 22, let alone 12.

When crazy and troubling times when I should be Ruth-like, I’m Naomi. I’m the brooding mother-in-law who thinks God is totally against me (a tad overdramatic, but hey! Someone has to be, right?).

I’m currently going through those troubling times. The question is, where to begin? I can start with moving from Oregon back to California. For some people, this is no big deal. I mean, I’m back in Los Angeles, the City of Angels. But for someone who has autism, change is hard. I am having a hard time with the transition. My room doesn’t feel like my room, mornings aren’t filled with Dutch Bros., and I do not have very many friends.

Then there is everything going on with my uncle. He was hospitalized before I moved back to California, and he stayed in the hospital for a few weeks before being sent home for hospice care. Some family members are just waiting for him to die, while others are still hoping and praying for a miracle. I don’t know what to do.

Then there is everything with Taylor. I replay the last few days in my mind to see what happened. Did I do something wrong? While he claimed that I didn’t do anything wrong, I felt/feel like I’m getting punished for it anyways. I may have not done anything wrong, but dealing with this with so many questions makes it difficult to move on. I want to know what happened, but I won’t get answers if communication isn’t there.

So the last month and a half has been interesting (I can’t say horrible because I know that my problems aren’t as bad as others). I have asked God where He is. I have wondered why this has all happened. Why would the people/person I need most bail when things became hard in my life? Was my love not enough?

So while I may never get the answers to my unending list of questions, I can’t forget what happened to Naomi. While she felt like God was being terrible to her (and possibly feeling abandoned), God never left her side. He was working through Ruth to bless her. My Ruth may not be so clear to me right now, but I know that some day I will know.

If you are going through a hard time or know someone that is and you/they may be acting like Naomi, it’s okay. It’s okay because you/they have a Ruth in your/their lives. It may be hard to see now, but know that they’re there. And lastly, God is there by your/their side whether feelings of abandonment or like He is against you are present. He has always been faithful, so why wouldn’t He be faithful now?

I love you guys.

Lots of love & hugs,
Becky